A Retrospective Day

Well, this may be slightly depressing or sad, but I'm not trying to be a "Debbie-downer." This is just how I have been feeling this past week. It's been a rough one; hopefully, this next week will be a little better.

If I could go back to the days there were five members in my family, I would get up early on Saturday mornings to learn how to make my dad's delicious breakfasts.
I'd pay close attention to how he made his pizza.
I would ask him if he would be proud of me if I went to Moody.
I would go on walks with him and Sammy in the evenings.
I would call him more often while he was on his trips.
I would go with him on more of his trips.
I would play more games with him.
I would tell him more about my life.
I would do more things that he would appreciate and less things that would disappoint him.
I would always assume he was right, instead of yelling at him and thinking he was stupid.
I would watch more movies with him, go on more daddy/daughter dates, get more vanilla malts from Cooks with him, and then make him walk or run the malt off.
I would make sure he was eating healthy and exercising enough.
I would give him ten second hugs instead of one second hugs.
I would send him more emails, give him more calls, give him a surprise visit at his Mishawaka office.
I would ask him about work.
I would pray for him every day.
I would play more catch with him.
I would cook more with him.
I would make him promise me he would get off that plane and be home by nine-thirty, like he said.
I would watch more sports with him.
When he hugged me early in the mornings before he left on business trips, I would get up and talk to him before he left.
I would beg for us to move to Connecticut, so he didn't have to travel so much, and he wouldn't be so stressed.
I would dance with him.
And I would hug him, and never let go.
That's what I would do if I could go back. I don't want "one more day" because that would only leaving me wanting more. But if I could do it over....I would do everything I could to keep from losing him. I cannot wait to see him again. And I will see him again.

"Death is swallowed up in victory....." 1 Cor. 15:54

I Just Want to Say Thank You....

I just want to take a moment to talk about the people that I love. God has blessed me in countless ways, but my favorite thing that God has blessed me with, is all the people in my life. I would love to sit here and write a page about every person, individually, I care about and how they affect me and what not, but that honestly would take hours. Maybe I'll work on that over the next few months.

Anyway, for real, I have the best friends and family I could ask for. When my dad died, within a half hour, my house was filled with people. People that love me and my family. People that cared enough to jump out of bed, or stop watching their favorite TV show, or put off their homework, etc. People that have lives of their own, but put their "to-do list" aside to come and care for my family and I. I will never know everyone who has prayed for me specifically and for my family. I will never know all the people that sent us cards, and kept us in their thoughts. I will probably never even know all the people that came to my house to show us they care. I will definitely never know all of the people that paid their respects by coming to the viewings and funeral. I cannot begin to say how this makes me feel.

But it isn't just all about my dad's death either. I have this group of really close friends, and we are so comfortable with each other. They are the ones that taught me about confidence and taking chances. They are the ones that I see every day. They are the ones that don't get tired of hanging out with me, because we hang out constantly. A big part of my heart belongs to them. And I couldn't thank God enough for blessing me with such a good, positive, solid group of friends. Sure, we fight and there is tension every now and then, but none of that ever gets in the way of our unbreakable bond. We are more than friends. Nothing could happen that would ever tear us apart permanently. We love each other because we have poured out our hearts and our dreams. We have been vulnerable with each other, and let our true, authentic feelings show. I can always depend on them. I love them more than I can say. And I love them all differently because they contribute to my life in different ways. But I still love them all equally and unconditionally.

And then I have this group of friends who are several years older than me. And if they weren't in my life, I'm not sure where I would be right now. They are so much of my inspiration because they have seen just a little bit more than me, and they have experienced just a little bit more, and they can say, "I have been there..." and I can trust that. They teach me; they feed my spiritual needs; they believe in me; they encourage me; they listen to me; and they love me. These people are awesome, because I can be completely open with them, and they just listen. And they always seem to know when I want or at least need advice. And I can't say that they have ever steered me in the wrong direction. I may have not always listened to them, but generally if that happened, I would later wish that I had listened. But what I really appreciate about these people is the fact that they take time out of their busy lives to spend time with me. And listen to me, and help me when I'm struggling. These people love me. And I love them. I have so much fun with them, and they are always encouraging. In fact, I'm not really scared about my future because most of these people have been so encouraging about my decisions. Anyway, a big part of my heart also belongs to them.

Then (and all of this is in no significant order) I have this wonderful family. Flesh and blood. It's a bond that is something special. First of all, my brothers are amazing, and I have grown so close to them. I depend on them for a lot, especially my little brother, and I sometimes feel bad because he does so much for my mom and I. So, I try to do little things for him every day. Anyway, my brothers are great. And I love them more than I can say. My extended family is so special to me. I have awesome cousins. I just spent the week with one of my fave cousins. :) And I could probably write pages about her and what she has done for me, and how she has contributed to my life. I really look up to her, and she is one of the greatest people I know. She has these two siblings (who are also my cousins, duh...) and they are also some great people. Our two families have always been very close. Half of my childhood memories are with them. Man, I have so much fun with them. I could laugh and talk with them all for hours. They are so special to me. But all of my extended family is great. They all care about me, and keep up with me and my life. And I just cannot express how blessed I am to have such a close family. The cool thing is, with my dad's side of the family--my grandma, aunts, uncles, cousin--even if we don't see each other or even talk for years, when we get together, there is this bond...and it's just there....and it connects us. And it never fails. I always enjoy time with them. My dad's family is so special. Magersfest is seriously the highlight of my year. But I don't want to leave out my mom's family! I love them, too!! I love my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandpas and grandmas on that side, too. I have tons of fun with them when we get together. Seriously, I am just like overcome with emotion right now, talking about all these people that care about me.

Man, my friends and family are so special to me. :) I have said that a lot. There just isn't any other way to say it. Now, I haven't even come close to mentioning all of the people in my life that I love. There are so many people. I just want to tell you all. If you know me or know my family and friends, I want you to know that I care about you, and love you with my whole heart. I love watching you grow and mature. I love being a part of your journeys, and I love that you are a part of mine. I would do anything for you. I love you all. And I thank God for you all every day. I cannot express my gratitude for you. But you are important to me, and I care about you. And I want to say thank you for all that you do. Thanks for taking time to be in my life. I hope I can make you proud in my future endeavors and adventures. All my love....