The Problem with Change

I think--in fact, I know--that sometimes change sucks. What sucks about it is that usually when you are undergoing a change of some sort--a change of environment, teacher, preacher, friends--usually it is an awesome and positive change at one end of the spectrum, but for the people at the other end....that particular change sucks. Unfortunately, we all have to deal with change. It comes at you fast, and you have to be ready for it, otherwise it sucks even worse. I know...that was deep (just kidding). But seriously, sometimes there is just nothing you can do to stop it, and it sucks for you, but it's awesome for other people involved. It is beneficial to them. But it's a huge bummer for you. You can be happy for them, and you want to be happy for them, because when it is you on the winning end of the "change" spectrum, your desire is that others would be happy for you, too. So we plaster those fake, congratulatory smiles on our faces, give hugs, shake hands, small-talk for awhile, then go on our way--weeping like a child when you drive away alone, or gritting your teeth and blinking back tears at the thought of starting anew in that particular, changed area, or shaking your head at everything you know will go wrong at the onset of this specific change.

But then, when you are the one causing the change, it may be a hard decision, but it's good for you. And you are excited about it, and you have peoples' support--whether they are as happy about the decision as you are or not. And you try to sympathize with them for awhile, because you know it kind of hurts them, but really, you are just so excited, and it is obvious. That is when they put on those smiles and you all pretend that it will be okay. Everything will be fine for everyone. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. You never can tell, because people want you to be happy. They don't want you to feel guilty for upsetting them and causing them to have a rough time, so they keep it a secret--hidden away, like a time capsule buried in the yard. You keep it buried for so long , that you forget where it is. But you know it's there, buried somewhere, rotting away. Just like that secret. Just rotting away in your mind. Eating at you....blowing all of your issues way out of proportion. It never should have been such a big deal in the first place.

It shouldn't have been a big deal, because everyone has to go through change. EVERYONE DEALS WITH IT. So, you would think it would get easier, right? But everyone also knows that it never, ever, gets easier. Change will always be hard. Granted, changing favorite authors or food or tv shows, is quite a bit easier than changing locations, or break-ups, or losing an activity or animal or a person that you love, but then I'm not really talking about the easy change. The change that matters to you is always difficult. And most of the times, it just slaps you in the face, and you are too stunned and shocked to actually say what you want or need to say. Later, you'll look back at your reaction and you'll wish you had really said what was on your heart. But you didn't get to, and you probably never will, because the opportunity just doesn't present itself the way it did at that first moment--the moment you realized change of some sort was upon you. And you cannot get that moment back. No way. Doesn't work that way.

I've went through a lot of change in my life...especially within the last five or six years. People have come in and out of my life, and it has never been fun, letting go of people. And sure, there has been good that has come out of different situations, but there's also been a lot of hurt and pain and sadness. And I guess in life on this earth, we have to deal with those issues. But sometimes you just feel so alone, and try as you may, you cannot get past those feelings, and you cannot defeat those issues. So you just sit down and stare for awhile. You just hang onto that hope that better days are coming. You hold onto the fact that you will survive, and no matter how bruised, broken, and bleeding you are--no matter how scarred you are--you will come out on the top. As long as you have hope in the right Guy... but it's still incredibly hard.

This is why change sucks. Change can be awesome, but today, I am dwelling upon the negative side of it. Call me a pessimist, but I'm going to write about my authentic, candid feelings. And today I am feeling like change has its "ups" but it most definitely has its "downs."

Really, I wish I could just go back two or three years. That would be great. Then, I wish time would stand still. Or maybe we could just go back to my childhood. Or skip ahead into my future. Really, I just wish Jesus would come. Today, my dear friends, I am sad. Sad about change.

My Heavy Heart

A nice chat with a good friend of mine prompted me to write this as well as how I have felt recently. Lately I've dealt with sort of a hurting heart--not for myself, but for others who are hurting. All I hear from the news anymore is about deaths from the war, bombs blowing innocent people up, brutal stabbings and murders, young children being abducted and molested, sex trafficking, drug trafficking, parents beating their kids, drowing their kids, murdering their kids. I hear about third world countries and their lack of water, education, and health. I hear about the AIDS fiasco, and the staggering number of homeless and unemployed people everywhere. I hear about cruel acts of racism. And it just hurts me. I just can't get away from the devastation and despair. The desperation and brokenness of this world. Then there is the fact that everywhere you look there is sex and drugs and alcohol. Everywhere you look society is telling you to be the opposite of what you already are. You can access the world wide web at any time and pull up hundreds of thousands of promiscuous videos and who knows what else. People are stealing, threatening, destroying, killing--for themselves, for others, or maybe just because they can, for the adrenaline rush, for the feeling of control, for revenge, for whatever--anywhere you go...there is evil--the world is taking a turn for the worst, and I don't see a solution to that, other than Christ coming back....and who knows when that will be--no one. And it's not necessarily the fact that all I hear about is evil and horrendous, but it's the fact that I can't save everyone. I just want to help people. And my heart aches and breaks because there are people hurting, and they aren't getting any help. Nobody is offering them hope. They are at the end of their rope, and they are so close to letting go, and so many times, they do. I'm not sure what the suicide rate is in the US, but I'm sure it's not pretty.

This reminds me of a book I read one time. The title was something about summer, or one of the summer months. But this girl ran away and ended up at these three ladies' house. Their names were August, June, and July (or maybe one of them was May). But anyway, one of the ladies had so much difficulty dealing with all the tragedy in the world that she made a "wailing wall." I think there was like a stone wall, and everyday when she would hear about something terrible that happened, she would write it down on a piece of paper, then she would stick the paper in cracks in the stone wall. And she would go out to the wall and cry and mourn for people she didn't even know--people that lived halfway across the world. This is how she dealt with her despair. But what gets me is the fact that she became so emotional over the tragedy of people she didn't even know. And I feel like I can relate to this. I couldn't before, but recently when I hear a child being raped and murdered, or a fatal car accident, or a teenager committing suicide because she was too scarred and hopeless from an ugly past, or divorces tearing families apart, I have felt so sad for these people....people I don't even know. But I hurt for them and with them, and I wish I could save them. And I wish I could be with them.

I'm not really sure what lesson can be learned, but this is just what's on my heart, and I needed to share. I need to share it, because it's making me so sad. Sometimes it's so hard for me to just smile, and again, I don't even know these people. My heart just aches for them. And I don't want to say I wish it didn't, but I do wish that I could channel this "pain" into something helpful, instead of just feeling useless. Man, I just don't know. I'm not saying there isn't any good in the world. I know there is a lot of good in the world. There is beauty, and love, and hope, and a wonderful promise. I guess if we heard about all of that in the news everyday, the world would be a little happier, a little brighter. Really, all I can say is come, Jesus, come.

But that's not to say I'm just going to sit around until Jesus returns. I'm going to do my part, I will. I mean I strive to now, but I can't help but think what glorious days await me and my fellow "seekers of the Lord." And I'm not, by any means, saying this makes me a good person. I am actually a terribly selfish person. I quite frequently do whatever is the most beneficial for me. And I hate it, but that's just another example of how the world is going down the drain, and why it makes me so sad. So that's what's crackin with me lately.