Arrogance

I have heard people say they sometimes think God is arrogant, because he wants our obedience and worship and time and trust and love—basically, he wants our whole lives. Sure, if a human demanded these things of us, I may consider them arrogant, but they, unlike God, didn’t send their only son to die the most excruciatingly painful (and that is a complete understatement) death for everyone in the world—for all those people who will disappoint him over and over again. (And may I say, I’m not a parent, but I watched my aunt and uncle suffer the loss of my cousin, and I watched my best friend’s parents suffer the loss of their brave son, and it is not a beautiful sight. It is heart wrenching and horrible. My heart still breaks for them over and over again. Watching them sob and grieve, I was overwhelmed by the parents’ grief. I cannot imagine losing a child.) So, I cannot even begin to imagine what it was like to send an only son to earth, knowing how much he would suffer. I cannot imagine that sacrifice. So, believe me, “arrogant” is NOT a word that describes God.

God DOES deserve our time and obedience and worship and trust and love—every part of our lives; he deserves it all. So, why it is so hard for me to just sit down and spend some time with him?! He saved me...I'm not afraid of death because of him...I have hope only because of him! Why, on earth, is it difficult to give everything to him?! It just kills me that I can quote countless lines from television shows and movies, and memorize all the lyrics—word for word—of a vast number of songs without even trying, and I can’t even memorize scripture unless I really make an effort—which I rarely do. Why is it so difficult? It shouldn’t be, but I guess I am just not as disciplined as I should be. I am just dumbfounded at how unworthy I am of sharing a relationship with God. And yet, he DESIRES a relationship with me. What is that? I am speechless.

God so desperately desires a healthy, lively relationship with me, and so many times I abuse that, and use it for my own benefit. Then, inevitably, I come crawling back, and he takes me back. EVERY TIME. I am probably repeating myself, but it is such a ridiculous idea…I highly doubt I could be that forgiving—in fact, I know I couldn’t.

I cannot fathom God. Ever. I wish I could describe him, but then again….I’m glad I can’t. If I could, he wouldn’t be God now would he? I am not even sure how to conclude ramblings, so I guess I’ll just say that I am completely and utterly grateful for a God that loves me even though I am nowhere close to being worthy of his love. Maybe that’s a little cheesy, but it’s true, and it’s on my mind. ☺