Good

It’s a late night tonight. Actually it’s not that late, but I have an early morning class. I will regret staying up to write, when my alarm vibrates in my ears around six-forty five. But inspiration doesn’t happen every night.

Anyway, last Saturday, I woke up around nine. I had the room to myself, because my lovely roommate went home for the weekend. So, I took advantage of the solitude and pulled out that Bible that had become my textbook. I opened it to find wisdom, understanding, discernment, and love—not answers for an exam.

And as I finished up, an hour or so later, my heart was light. No, everything in my life was not fixed. No, everything I wept over was not “better.” But I did regain sight of what is most important. I did remember that God won’t give me anything I can’t handle; so whether or not that means I’ll be praying for the same problems to be fixed for the next thirty years, or the next three years, it will not kill me. God will not leave me; He is still listening.

I even prayed for some very specific things—things that I didn’t expect him to answer, necessarily. And I don’t know why I sometimes pray with that mindset. Why should I not expect God to answer my prayers? Sometimes I just forget that God only wants us to ask for things, and he will gladly give them to us. So I prayed for a few things—a job being one of them.

What do you know? That night I received a call from a lady about a part-time nanny job. I just laughed after I hung up the phone, and I thanked my good Lord. I had also prayed for something else that was answered tonight. And again, I am chuckling. It’s just ridiculous that I forget about God’s goodness.

I read a book called Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis for research writing last year, and it is one of the best fiction novels I have ever read. In the book, Psyche’s (Cupid and Psyche) ugly sister, Orual, does not believe the gods are good. She believes they are “out to get her.” If something good does happen to her, it is only because they are playing games with her; the moment she accepts the goodness, they will crush her happiness—they will strip her of any sort of joy she received from that which was “good.”

Unfortunately, sometimes I think this is how I feel. I feel as though good things will only happen so that something tragic can crush my soul, and God can test my faith.
And I know this stems from a couple rough years in a row. I’ve had to work through always anticipating receiving tragic phone calls and what not. I felt for so long that as soon as my heart began healing, it would suffer a life-sucking blow, and I would end up on my knees again—pleading for peace.

My view is that God tests me, then I grow in my relationship with him a little bit, but as soon as I’m strong again, he has to test me again. I don’t deserve goodness, so he won’t give it to me.

But that’s not true. I am his daughter, and he loves me in way I can never comprehend. He wants me to share in his goodness. Yes, he does in fact, test me, but those are the times when I am closest to him. And I have realized that when I am on my knees, those are the times when I feel his goodness the most.

God is good, always. It seems like a simple idea to grasp, but it’s taken me awhile. I am learning now, to be content with living my life one day at a time. If I am always afraid of what bad news I will hear next, I might miss some incredible opportunities to serve God. I might not hear him whispering his goodness in my ears. I might not see his goodness surrounding me—a pregnant woman, a sunset, a couple holding hands, a nice text or phone call…

God is good. If you’ve forgotten that, take a moment to look at what he’s brought you through in your life. The journey may have been difficult so far, but are you not still breathing? Are you not still loved by him?

Why did it take me 1.5 years to remember this?

A Beautiful (but easy?) Community.

I live in a community of lovers: lovers of people; lovers of Truth; lovers of purpose; lovers of life; and most of all, lovers of the Lord. We are lovers of the one who loved us first.

I’m sitting in the middle of downtown Chicago, yet I feel safe, protected, and loved. It’s because I am sitting in the middle of the plaza of my wonderful school—Moody Bible Institute. I love this place, and I am incredibly grateful that God brought me here.

Sometimes I feel a little bit guilty, because I feel like a lot of my high school years were wasted. I lived in a sheltered community for the most part. However, once I hit middle school, then high school, that “shelter” was mostly destroyed due to just growing up, I guess. Anyway, the reason I have felt guilty is because I didn’t do much with my faith during those years. Granted, my faith wasn’t actually real to me until my father died—unfortunately (quite the wake-up call). But before my faith came alive, I wasn’t burning with a desire to reach the lost. I didn’t have an unquenchable thirst for the Lord. My passion for serving God wasn’t overwhelmingly strong.

Sure, after youth group trips, camps, Wednesday nights, and events along those lines, I may have been “on fire for God” for a couple weeks or so. And yes, I volunteered for FCDC, I helped with food drives, I helped with the Christmas jubilee, and all those functions that make you feel good inside plus they look good on college applications. Living well, following rules, not having sex, legalistically praying/reading my Bible were what I did to affirm my salvation. Yes, I had already accepted Christ, and now I
was “living” for him.

But I wasn’t living for him. Aside from serving at various events, my faith was idle. Consequently, I feel as though I did nothing significant at NorthWood Middle school and High school. Maybe I reached a few people here and there or at least planted a seed in their hearts, but only God can know that. I can only hope and pray that those years weren’t completely and utterly fruitless.

Then, as many of you know, came the hardest moment of my life, which changed everything—including the acting out of my faith. Through mine and my friends’ trials over the next couple years God would transform my heart in incredible ways.

He transformed my apathetic faith into a fiery passion for offering his hope to the hopeless. And somehow, through a series of events, he brought me to Moody. So, now I’m at my second home, with people I love, awesome professors, and so many opportunities. But I’m surrounded by Christians. I don’t struggle with finding friends who don’t party; I don’t struggle with trying to spread the Gospel throughout campus; I don’t struggle with feeling safe, supported, and loved. From the day I arrived here, Moody has been a family to me. That’s just what Moody is—a family. It’s great to be surrounded with others who love the Lord and are giving up their lives to serve him, but when I hear about the difficulties my friends at other schools have with finding other Christians, finding solid friends, and what not, I can’t help but feel a little bit guilty.

I guess it’s just a motivation to make sure I get out and get involved. What good is my faith if I spend four years in a city filled with hopelessness, devastation, and lost souls, yet I only focus on my studies and hanging out with friends?

So, maybe my point of this is just a reflection of my recent thoughts, but I want to use this to encourage everyone to start doing something you are passionate about now. Find a ministry to volunteer with, work for, promote, etc. Pray about your desires, and move.

I live amongst believers—followers of Christ. I love them. They support me, and they love me. And they are an incredible gift from God, and they bless me in ways they may never even realize. But I can’t get comfortable just being around them all the time (which is all too easy to do). I have to mobilize and use what they teach me to reach those people who believe they have no hope—the ones who no longer dream.

God may not have me at a secular university where I can witness to the students on campus, but he has placed me in a city filled the lost and the searching. And maybe he blessed me with the opportunity to come to Moody so that I would have the support of these beautiful “Moody” people while we go out and serve the Lord together—while we go out and change the hearts of these Chicagoans together.