Good

It’s a late night tonight. Actually it’s not that late, but I have an early morning class. I will regret staying up to write, when my alarm vibrates in my ears around six-forty five. But inspiration doesn’t happen every night.

Anyway, last Saturday, I woke up around nine. I had the room to myself, because my lovely roommate went home for the weekend. So, I took advantage of the solitude and pulled out that Bible that had become my textbook. I opened it to find wisdom, understanding, discernment, and love—not answers for an exam.

And as I finished up, an hour or so later, my heart was light. No, everything in my life was not fixed. No, everything I wept over was not “better.” But I did regain sight of what is most important. I did remember that God won’t give me anything I can’t handle; so whether or not that means I’ll be praying for the same problems to be fixed for the next thirty years, or the next three years, it will not kill me. God will not leave me; He is still listening.

I even prayed for some very specific things—things that I didn’t expect him to answer, necessarily. And I don’t know why I sometimes pray with that mindset. Why should I not expect God to answer my prayers? Sometimes I just forget that God only wants us to ask for things, and he will gladly give them to us. So I prayed for a few things—a job being one of them.

What do you know? That night I received a call from a lady about a part-time nanny job. I just laughed after I hung up the phone, and I thanked my good Lord. I had also prayed for something else that was answered tonight. And again, I am chuckling. It’s just ridiculous that I forget about God’s goodness.

I read a book called Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis for research writing last year, and it is one of the best fiction novels I have ever read. In the book, Psyche’s (Cupid and Psyche) ugly sister, Orual, does not believe the gods are good. She believes they are “out to get her.” If something good does happen to her, it is only because they are playing games with her; the moment she accepts the goodness, they will crush her happiness—they will strip her of any sort of joy she received from that which was “good.”

Unfortunately, sometimes I think this is how I feel. I feel as though good things will only happen so that something tragic can crush my soul, and God can test my faith.
And I know this stems from a couple rough years in a row. I’ve had to work through always anticipating receiving tragic phone calls and what not. I felt for so long that as soon as my heart began healing, it would suffer a life-sucking blow, and I would end up on my knees again—pleading for peace.

My view is that God tests me, then I grow in my relationship with him a little bit, but as soon as I’m strong again, he has to test me again. I don’t deserve goodness, so he won’t give it to me.

But that’s not true. I am his daughter, and he loves me in way I can never comprehend. He wants me to share in his goodness. Yes, he does in fact, test me, but those are the times when I am closest to him. And I have realized that when I am on my knees, those are the times when I feel his goodness the most.

God is good, always. It seems like a simple idea to grasp, but it’s taken me awhile. I am learning now, to be content with living my life one day at a time. If I am always afraid of what bad news I will hear next, I might miss some incredible opportunities to serve God. I might not hear him whispering his goodness in my ears. I might not see his goodness surrounding me—a pregnant woman, a sunset, a couple holding hands, a nice text or phone call…

God is good. If you’ve forgotten that, take a moment to look at what he’s brought you through in your life. The journey may have been difficult so far, but are you not still breathing? Are you not still loved by him?

Why did it take me 1.5 years to remember this?