Cease Striving (Psalm 46:10)

A year and a half ago, my young, healthy dad died from a heart attack. This past June, my best friend's (Kelsey) 23 (or 24?) year old brother was killed in Afghanistan. A few weeks ago, my uncle died. Last week, my old elementary school nurse, who has a son who is a junior in high school (and some other children...not sure how old they are) and was loved by the whole town died from cancer. Last Sunday night, my best friend's aunt, Lisa--who was also loved by the whole town, her family, and friends (And when my dad died, she basically held my mom together. She and her family helped us and blessed us in more ways than I can say.) died in her sleep. Can I even begin to say how weary I am of death and devastation?

I have spent all day today at Lisa's viewing. I arrived early, so that I could offer my services to the family the whole time. I wanted to be with my best friend--Monica--to comfort her through this time. I also just wanted to hug Lisa's daughters, knowing exactly how they felt. As soon as I entered the front doors of Wakarusa Missionary Church, my eyes welled up with tears. Pictures and videos were displayed along the line. As we moved along slowly, my heart broke more and more for this beloved family.

Lisa was a great woman of faith. She loved God with her whole being, and that was evident in her everyday life. She thought of others before herself. I remember right when my father passed, she and Jeff (her husband) took care of the big and the little things that my family and I were just too exhausted and sad to even think about doing. As time moved on, and the people in our house dwindled, and the cards, letters, flowers, and phone calls became less and less, Lisa and Jeff remained. Lisa would come to our house frequently to check up on my mom. She helped her, cared for her, loved her, supported her, reminded her of God's love, and encouraged her--all things with which I could not help my mother. I am forever blessed by and forever grateful for Lisa.

When I walked into the sanctuary today and saw Lisa in the casket, Jeff standing by her body, Chelsea and Cassie standing next to Jeff, I lost control. Tears streamed down my face, though I tried to blink them back into their ducts. I looked at Lisa's lifeless body, and my own body screamed inside, with rage, with sadness, with hurt, and with fear. What are you doing, God? Give me an answer.

Finally, it was my turn to face Jeff. I walked up to him, looking in his eyes, hating that this was happening to him. He is such a great, caring man. We wrapped our arms around each other, and I began to sob. I could not hold it back anymore. This should not be happening. His young, beautiful, Christian wife should not be in the casket next to us. Jeff spoke encouraging words to me, speaking about how our families were brought together for a reason, and now I can help his daughters. He said how much he loved my family, and I tried to respond. I kept choking on my words as I continued to weep. I felt like he should have been the one crying, and I the one encouraging him. I felt useless, helpless. Eventually, I choked out the words, "I...love...you...too. I'm...so sorry." My heart ached.

I moved down the line to Chelsea, Jeff and Lisa's eldest daughter. This girl, found her mother dead. She thought she was sleeping, so she tried to wake her, but to no avail. Let me tell you, I cannot imagine what that must have felt like. I cannot imagine the fear that gripped her heart and her soul. I held onto Chelsea as we both cried. I could only tell her I loved her, and she could call me anytime she needed to. What a lame condolence. You would think I should know the perfect thing to say, but I did not. I think it's because there is not really a "perfect" thing to say.

Anyway, I held onto Chelsea for awhile, then I hugged Cassie--the youngest daughter, a freshman in high school--and then I made my rounds to the rest of the extended family. That family is so important to me. Oh, how I love them. I watched countless people grieve tonight for a single woman. A single woman that made a vast difference in their lives, in this world. A single woman that made a vast difference in my life. We grieved. And watching others grieve only hurt me even more. My heart broke; my soul ached; my body weakened.

So, as I have been meditating on all of the death surrounding me, my friends, and my family, I search for answers. However, my brother told me the other night that I should not focus on finding meaning for tragedy, but I should just trust God. This was, surprisingly, the best thing anyone has told me in a long time. It seems so obvious and so simple, but it finally hit me in the face. Ever since my dad was ripped away from me, searching for answers has been my primary concern. I have experiences with God, and I try to use them to find meaning in death. However, I now realize that maybe those were his ways of reminding me that I need to trust his faithfulness.

Searching for answers is tiring, and I do not have the strength to do it any longer. It wears me out, and Satan attacks me at those moments. Those moments when I am empty, and I only want to give in to my fear and sadness. Though trusting God is not always easy, it is much less tiring, and much more comforting. And so, though I want answers, I am going to try my best to cease my efforts of finding answers. My effort now all goes towards giving God my trust. Psalm 46:10 is my new life verse.

So, God, I trust you. It hurts, and I ache, but I trust you. I trust you will bring goodness, you will bring healing, you will bring joy, you will always be faithful, and you will always love. I am weary of searching, and I give that to you. I trust you with my future. With my whole life. I. Trust. You.

"Cease striving, and know that I am God."
Psalm 46:10