A Spiritual Run (1/29/08)

So, today I went for a run, as I have been doing at least every Tuesday and as many other days as possible. I have been struggling with relationships with people that are very close to my heart, and I just needed to have a good run to think about my priorities and what not. Today was semi-cold, but mostly it was just misty and cloudy and gray. As I started out on my run, listening to an old-school Michael W. Smith song (that brings back some childhood memories), I was disappointed that it was so dreary. Still, I walked down my street, then picked up my pace and began to run.

It wasn't until I was closer to the end of my run that I began to actually look around me. I was now listening to another Michael W. Smith song that is very special to me. It's called, "How to Say Goodbye." So I was listening to it, being all sentimental like, and I looked up ahead of me at the sky. It was nothing out of the ordinary for a dreary day in Indiana. The sky was light gray, and it was misting. I was breathing semi-hard by now, and my heart was pounding. As I slowed to a brisk walk, I took deep breaths and tried to focus. I felt like something was supposed to be recognized. I was supposed to hear something, see something, feel something. I looked at the gray sky again, but this time it was different. This time I was taken back to my Christmas vacation in Montana. I was taken back to a moment when I stood in a valley, surrounded by mountains, and I felt God's presence.

As I was looking at the downcast sky, listening to the lines, "Tell me how to fill the space you left behind. And how to laugh instead of cry. And how to say goodbye. Here I stand. Arms open wide...," I saw the beauty in that ugly, gray sky. It wasn't ugly anymore. It didn't disappoint me anymore. I saw that a gray sky is just as beautiful to me as a colorful sunset in the mountains. God created both of them, and they are both beautiful. And I can see God's glory in colorful and rainy skies. I think this is because for me it's not about the way it looks, it's about the way that it makes me feel. I connected with God in both places. I felt Him both times. I thought you had to travel somewhere beautiful to feel and experience God, but today I found that to be false.

I have always thought it to be a little cliche when people talk about feeling people "through the wind," but today I decided that even if it is cliche, it is true. I have been so sad lately, just wanting a single hug from my daddy. It has been over ten months, and I wanted a hug. Just one hug. Anyway, so I'm walking down my street, still listening to the same song (I had it on repeat), staring at the beautiful, gray sky, and no lie, just as I started thinking about my dad, I felt a cool wind rush around me. And I knew then, that my dad was hugging me. Some may not believe this. Some may call it a coincidence. But I don't believe in chance happenings. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in God. And I believe that He let me hug my dad today. So, I closed my eyes, listened to the words of the song, opened up my arms, and let the wind engulf me. People looking out their windows, may have thought me to be crazy, but I didn't care. I was having a very spiritual moment. And it was awesome. I love these moments. I cherish them.

When I got home, I wasn't ready to go inside and face the music, so I went around back and looked out at the field, and the sky, and the beauty, and I just stood there for, well, i don't know how long. But I embraced that wind. And I saw the beauty, because there is beauty in everything. Because God created it, and He is Beautiful.

On Figuring Out Love (12/27/07)

Well, as many of you know, I spent the last week in Montana, for Christmas. Honestly, I was not looking forward to Christmas. I was looking forward to seeing my family, but not celebrating Christmas. Why would I want to celebrate the holidays without my daddy? I anticipated it being very painful, and it was…extremely. Christmas was so painful, and I expect my birthday to be as well. As much as my dad traveled, he was never gone on my birthday. He was always home, telling me that I was growing so fast. Telling me he loved me. This will be my first birthday without him, and I am dreading it. So, anyway, I went to Montana with a bittersweet anticipation. Bitter because of my lost father and sweet for the time I would be able to spend with family.

I wasn’t really planning on encountering anything great. I had seen the mountains before, and I knew they would be amazing again, but I didn’t expect anything more than that. However, a few days after we had been there, enjoying each others company, shopping, stuffing ourselves with holiday food, and reminiscing, we traveled an hour or so to a secluded cabin in the mountains. We went on some hikes, and each time, I listened for God. When you are climbing around in a mountain, you are just bound to feel closer to God, and I did. Now, previously, before this trip, I had been struggling with God’s love. I know this is something you are probably not supposed to question after you are Christian, but I wanted to understand, not just take it for what it is. I was struggling to understand it, grasp it, feel it, and recognize it. So, I said to God, “Show me something. What do you want me to realize? What are you trying to tell me?” I was open to any kind of sign or voice from Him throughout the hikes. Eventually, I began to understand that he wanted show me his power and his love. So, I began to pay more attention to my surroundings. I began to embrace the silence of the wilderness; the swift rushing sound of icy water along our trail, the frequent passing of Matt’s dog sprinting by me.

When I stood still, and looked out at the view…the beautiful view, the mountains towered over me. Massive boulders and large, green trees surrounded me. My breath came out cool and white on the snow-capped mountains. I thought about all my problems, and how insignificant they are. I thought about my broken heart, my sad soul, my tired eyes, and my weary body. I thought about all that had gone wrong in my life. I thought about how all my tears could probably fill the river that was rushing past me. Then, I thought about all that had gone right, and how if all the joy in my life were a mountain, it would probably be as massive as the ones surrounding me. I understood that it is all in God’s plan. It was in his plan to lead me to these glorious mountains, these mountains that could not possibly have happened by accident. Clearly, a designer was involved. I don’t understand how someone could stand there in nature’s silence and look around and believe that all of that majestic beauty happened by chance. No way. I felt God’s power then. How could you not? Who else but God could speak a word and create such astonishing landscapes?

And then it hit me. God loves us. (duh.) God is love. God created mountains and valleys and rivers and icicles and trees and glistening snow because they are beautiful things. And they are good. And he wants us to experience beauty and goodness and happiness and joy because he loves us. He wants to dazzle us. He wants us to be lost in his creations. He wants us to dance in it. So, I am dancing now, because “Life is a dance toward God.”(Donald Miller…seriously read Through Painted Deserts by him, and dwell on the chapter called Dancing). Once you realize this, you can be lost in it, and it is so good. I can imagine myself standing on an outlook…looking out over Montana, and seeing so much beauty. And I could stand there for hours, days, weeks, embracing the silence, accepting peace, feeling the cool breeze on my cheeks, watching the sky change colors. And I could just stand there and look at the massive mountains, and imagine climbing them. I could just stand there in wonder at how enormous those moldings of rock are. I could stand there and just drink it in and be happy.

However, I can’t always be there. I have to deal with life. We all do. (In fact, I just got very frustrated a few minutes before writing this, because two things I have gotten recently, one being a gift, were defected and there was no more left to exchange them with. I realize these are trivial, but it just shows that little things get in the way of enjoying God.)

Anyway, I will admit, it is still hard for me to understand God’s love for us. I don’t understand why when he loves us so much, he can allow us to hurt. His plan is perfect and everything is in his plan, so that includes our pain. We are to love as Christ loves, but normal people usually don’t want to cause pain in their loved ones’ lives. So I just struggle to understand how we can have pain and love. I know God uses our pain to show us things we couldn’t understand otherwise, but it seems he could make an easier way. And some will say, “Who said life was easy?” And then I’ll say, “Well, why does it have to be hard?” And they may say, “Because of sin.” And maybe that’s the truth, but it just seems like life could be a little softer to us every now and then. So, I am still searching for an answer, but I have partially come to the conclusion that maybe I don’t get an answer. Maybe God doesn’t want me to have an answer, because if I understand love, then I would understand God. And I don’t think we are supposed to understand Him. Because then he would not be a mystery. He would not be God. (Yes, I realize Rob Bell says something along those lines, but I guess I believe it)

I guess that just means that we have to trust him with everything. That seems generic, but it also seems to be the truth. All we can do is live this life that he has given us, and be lost in the wonder. We have to see his creation as something that he created to stir up our hearts and minds and souls. We have to take the beauty in this world and stare at it for hours and feel God’s presence. He wants to us to be astounded. We should be overwhelmed by his beauty. We should feel his peace. We should fear it but embrace it. We just need to be lost in it—in the stars, the mountains, the valleys, the chasms, the rocks, the sunsets, the sunrises, the oceans, the clouds, storms, rain, lakes, animals, wind, fire—and realize that he created all this because he loves us.

And maybe I should stop trying to understand that love, and just accept it for what it is, because despite the pain, it is good. Love is good. God is love. And God is good.

And maybe his plan all along was for me to grapple with this issue, because now that I have, I feel closer to him. And I know there is more to come. I know he will show me things. He will clear some things up for me. As long as I have my relationship with him, I am going to learn from him. He has spoken to me a few ways since my father died, about some of the reasons he died, and though I may not think those reasons are worth it right now, someday I know I will see the goodness in God’s plan. Someday, even if I don’t completely understand his love, I will see how it is not meant to hurt us.

As a side note, I realized all this and came to these conclusions with the help of God, his beautiful creations, the song “Dancin’ in the Moonlight,” and the book Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller (as I mentioned earlier….read it.)

On Death and the Life of a Dog (12/9/07)

"Momma said dying...is a part of life....I sure wish it wasn't." -Forrest Gump

I couldn't agree more. I sure wish there was a less painful way to go to Heaven. Of course, it's not painful for the one who is going home to Heaven, but for us down here....it's unimaginable pain until you experience it.

On a slightly different note....I want to talk about my dog. I love my dog, Sammy. He reminds me of my dad...now I know this sounds odd. He is a dog, my dad was a human. It's not looks or anything....it's the memories. My dad used to talk for Sammy in a high pitched voice. He pretended Sammy got kicked out of the cheese factory for biting a security guard in the butt. I realize how childish and stupid this sounds, but it was funny when my dad talked for Sam. He gave Sammy a personality. My dad always said I was Sammy's favorite, but that's not true. My dad was the one who took Sammy on walks all the time, and whenever my dad would come home from his travels, Sammy wouldn't only wag his tail...he wagged his whole butt. And every night, before my dad went to bed, he would bring Sammy into my room and say, "It's time to clock in Sambo (or Mr. Sam)"

So, I was thinking about all this as I was petting Sammy today, and I started to wonder if Sammy remembers my dad...Does he think he is still going to come home? Did he forget about him because he hadn't seen him for so long? Does he miss him? I realize anyone who reads this is going to think I'm a freak, because dogs don't have feelings and all that crap, but I beg to differ. I know in the first few weeks after my dad's death, Sammy missed him, because he would just sit and wait in front of the door that my dad always came through after work. I just wonder if he has forgotten by now, or if he still hopes for him to come home. I love my dog. My daddy sat us all down one day and asked us if we would be responsible enough to take care of a dog, and we all quickly said yes. I figure I was the most excited. Anyway, i'm just kind of rambling on....but I was just thinking about all that.

Recognizing, Missing, and Taking Advantage of Opportunities (10/27/07)

Well, I just want to share that God is really cool, and if you don't agree with me, watch for Him and the way He works, and you will see. You will see.

Last weekend, as I was doing my usual chores, I remembered I needed to take the recycables out. So, I slowly and groggily loaded them up in my car on Saturday morning(they were overflowing). Anyway, I dumped them off and dodged a couple hundred bees. On my way home, I passed a man who's car had broken down. It looked as if it had just happened, and he didn't have out a cell phone. Of course, I felt a little tug inside of me. That little angel on my shoulder was saying, "Kelly, you know you should pull over." But the little devil on my other shoulder persuaded me otherwise. I rationalized with myself and decided that I just had too much to do and it simply wasn't safe to offer my services to an older guy. "Come on, Kelly." That's what I was really thinking underneath it all. I knew I should have helped that guy. I know God wanted me to help that guy. I know it like I know two plus two equals four. So, ashamed, I went before God and asked Him to forgive me and continue to give me more opportunities where I can spread His love. Then, that night I read a verse: "Be careful then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:15. I knew I passed up a wonderful opportunity to be a good example and spread God's love. I decided that night to start making the most of every opportunity.

So, last week, on a sunny drive home from my internship at Bashor Home for Children, I was feeling sad and grateful as usual after leaving Bashor. The weather was nice, as I mentioned. I only had to get home to babysit, but my mom was watching the girls until I got there. I was in no rush. I didn't need to be in a rush. So all the sudden, I look up ahead to the left of me, and I see a guy who's hay bales fell off of his truck. He was frantically rolling them off the road, out of oncoming traffic, but I notice there were still about five left on the road. All I had to do was pull over and offer to help roll them off the road. I'm sure he was in more of a hurry than I was. Unfortunately, I drive past and decide it would be too awkward to turn around. WHAT?! I didn't go help someone because it would be awkward. Who do I think I am?! That's ridiculous. Then, I remembered the verse in Ephesians. I was furious with myself for passing up another blatantly obvious opportunity to help someone out of love. I missed making the most of every opportunity. Who knows if that guy knew Jesus or not, but if he didn't, how cool would it have been if I could help spread the Word? And even if he did, I could have made a new Christian friend. But I was stubborn, selfish, and stupid.

That night, I got down on my knees, once again, in shame, I prayed again that God would continue to send me opportunities to spread His love, and I promised I would grasp them and take advantage of every one He sends my way. Later that week, I went and visited my brother at college. We had a little over an hour alone, and I knew I needed to talk to him about some stuff, but I was afraid. I didn't want him to be mad at me, but I knew God knew I needed to talk to him, and God gave me this perfect opportunity. I would have been a fool to pass that up. So, finally, I put myself out there, and I talked to him about some things that had been on my heart. Well, that felt good. Thank you, God.

On the drive home from Taylor, I was feeling sad, lonely, and depressed. The weather was drizzly and gray. It wasn't even stormy cool, it was just gray and depressing. I wanted to cry. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I got that lump in my throat. I prayed to God to deliver me from these feelings. Then, a song came on that I had recently taken a liking to, the lines that i love say "Sing a song of hope, sing along. God of Heaven come down, Heaven come down. Just to know you are near is enough, God of Heaven come down, Heaven come down." This song came on, and I turned it up and belted it out. I sang a song of hope in a time of desperation. I let the tears pour out, and chills covered my arms and legs. I felt the Holy Spirit moving in me. Even the atmosphere of the van changed. The air was electric, I knew God's presence was filling me and all the space around me in that van. I changed right there. That was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever felt. It was awesome, and I knew it was only going to get better.

Thursday night of the next week came, and the infamous tornado hit in Nappanee and brought along my friend devastation. The sights are sad. One of my best friends lost her house, but she's doing quite alright. She has had lots of help and prayers. Everyone has. It's amazing that no one died. Only six injuries that I know of. So anyway, today I had the opportunity to help clean up in Nappanee. Though I was tired, and I cherish my Sunday afternoon naps, I knew I would be passing up one of God's obvious opportunities to help if I didn't go. So, I went. I waited in traffic for 40 minutes and waited to go to my destination for a long time. Then, I trudged through a corn field picking up shingles and chunks of metal for a couple hours. It was hot, sticky, prickly, and dirty in that corn field. And I loved it. I have a new love for helping in any way. Though I complained about the prickly things, (Derick, Toby, Steve, and Emily can vouch for that), it was great. I am so glad God opened my eyes and my heart. I am so glad I am beginning to recognize the obvious opportunities God puts in front of me every day. I feel His rewards, constantly, big and little. I love Him, and I love His people, and I love helping His people.

Grapes, Apple Juice, and a Spare Tire (6/28/07)

I remember camping trips when I was younger. My whole family and extended family. Sometimes we would trek all the way to Montana to visit the amazing Krivonens then head on over to Yellowstone. Those days were the best. I remember sleeping in our tent. The boys and I in the back. My parents in the front. I loved helping set up the tent. I remember waking up to the smell of dew and wet sleeping bags and tarps. I love it. I miss it. I remember walking out on the wet grass in the mornings, to a shining sun, birds chirping all around me. Stuck out in the middle of the forest. Beauty and nature surrounding my family and I. Just nature and people that I love. I remember smelling eggs, bacon, and sausage my dad made over the fire in the mornings. I remember listening to the rain splatter on the tent at nights. I remember hiking, swimming across rivers if that's where the trails led us. I remember visiting geisers. I remember when we drove up a mountain and stopped to stretch, only to find the van had a flat tire. My dad ran the long, hot miles back to town for us. He brought help. He brought nice people that had grapes, apple juice, and a spare tire. I remember playing games. I remember driving through the mountains, listening to "Show Me Your Glory" and my dad saying, "Isn't that the perfect song to be playing, Kel?" and i nodded and smiled. I remember staying awake on road trips while my dad drove and everyone else fell asleep. I remember having fun as a family when I was little. I remember when I had no idea it would all disappear. I remember when I had no idea, life would eventually be tough, and my daddy wouldn't be here to protect me. I remember when i didn't know how much i needed him. I remember when I didn't realize growing up meant that things would change. I'm in that kind of mood.

It's Real (6/24/07)

Life is so real right now. Everything is more real after something like this happens. Heart attacks happen, accidents happen, planes crash, ships wreck, tornadoes and hurricanes hit, suicide happens, diseases ravage the body, wars rage on in the world, body, and mind, terrorists terrorize, sociopaths torture, rapes happen, cancer kills, children are kidnapped, the innocent die, divorces happen, murder is real, bitterness, jealousy, lust, rage, and despair are all real, faith dies, hope dwindles, everything held dear can be ripped away in an instant, life can lose meaning, purpose is lost, death hurts, devastation hits. One moment can change everything, every second matters, and no one actually understands this until they experience it. Every touch, taste, smell, sound, and sight takes on a new meaning when devastation enters a life. Everything is new. There are a million firsts. The firsts kill. The first Easter, the first summer, the first family movie. It doesn't take a lot to understand it, just something painful. The loss of a job to the loss of someone dear. Very different situations, but it still makes life real. It opens eyes, hearts, and minds. But there's hope. Even though this is all real, and sometimes reality sucks, more often than not, but in the end, love heals. Life is all about love. Life is real, but so is love. And love can do anything. That's all that matters. That's all we need. It's all about love, of course, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.