On Figuring Out Love (12/27/07)

Well, as many of you know, I spent the last week in Montana, for Christmas. Honestly, I was not looking forward to Christmas. I was looking forward to seeing my family, but not celebrating Christmas. Why would I want to celebrate the holidays without my daddy? I anticipated it being very painful, and it was…extremely. Christmas was so painful, and I expect my birthday to be as well. As much as my dad traveled, he was never gone on my birthday. He was always home, telling me that I was growing so fast. Telling me he loved me. This will be my first birthday without him, and I am dreading it. So, anyway, I went to Montana with a bittersweet anticipation. Bitter because of my lost father and sweet for the time I would be able to spend with family.

I wasn’t really planning on encountering anything great. I had seen the mountains before, and I knew they would be amazing again, but I didn’t expect anything more than that. However, a few days after we had been there, enjoying each others company, shopping, stuffing ourselves with holiday food, and reminiscing, we traveled an hour or so to a secluded cabin in the mountains. We went on some hikes, and each time, I listened for God. When you are climbing around in a mountain, you are just bound to feel closer to God, and I did. Now, previously, before this trip, I had been struggling with God’s love. I know this is something you are probably not supposed to question after you are Christian, but I wanted to understand, not just take it for what it is. I was struggling to understand it, grasp it, feel it, and recognize it. So, I said to God, “Show me something. What do you want me to realize? What are you trying to tell me?” I was open to any kind of sign or voice from Him throughout the hikes. Eventually, I began to understand that he wanted show me his power and his love. So, I began to pay more attention to my surroundings. I began to embrace the silence of the wilderness; the swift rushing sound of icy water along our trail, the frequent passing of Matt’s dog sprinting by me.

When I stood still, and looked out at the view…the beautiful view, the mountains towered over me. Massive boulders and large, green trees surrounded me. My breath came out cool and white on the snow-capped mountains. I thought about all my problems, and how insignificant they are. I thought about my broken heart, my sad soul, my tired eyes, and my weary body. I thought about all that had gone wrong in my life. I thought about how all my tears could probably fill the river that was rushing past me. Then, I thought about all that had gone right, and how if all the joy in my life were a mountain, it would probably be as massive as the ones surrounding me. I understood that it is all in God’s plan. It was in his plan to lead me to these glorious mountains, these mountains that could not possibly have happened by accident. Clearly, a designer was involved. I don’t understand how someone could stand there in nature’s silence and look around and believe that all of that majestic beauty happened by chance. No way. I felt God’s power then. How could you not? Who else but God could speak a word and create such astonishing landscapes?

And then it hit me. God loves us. (duh.) God is love. God created mountains and valleys and rivers and icicles and trees and glistening snow because they are beautiful things. And they are good. And he wants us to experience beauty and goodness and happiness and joy because he loves us. He wants to dazzle us. He wants us to be lost in his creations. He wants us to dance in it. So, I am dancing now, because “Life is a dance toward God.”(Donald Miller…seriously read Through Painted Deserts by him, and dwell on the chapter called Dancing). Once you realize this, you can be lost in it, and it is so good. I can imagine myself standing on an outlook…looking out over Montana, and seeing so much beauty. And I could stand there for hours, days, weeks, embracing the silence, accepting peace, feeling the cool breeze on my cheeks, watching the sky change colors. And I could just stand there and look at the massive mountains, and imagine climbing them. I could just stand there in wonder at how enormous those moldings of rock are. I could stand there and just drink it in and be happy.

However, I can’t always be there. I have to deal with life. We all do. (In fact, I just got very frustrated a few minutes before writing this, because two things I have gotten recently, one being a gift, were defected and there was no more left to exchange them with. I realize these are trivial, but it just shows that little things get in the way of enjoying God.)

Anyway, I will admit, it is still hard for me to understand God’s love for us. I don’t understand why when he loves us so much, he can allow us to hurt. His plan is perfect and everything is in his plan, so that includes our pain. We are to love as Christ loves, but normal people usually don’t want to cause pain in their loved ones’ lives. So I just struggle to understand how we can have pain and love. I know God uses our pain to show us things we couldn’t understand otherwise, but it seems he could make an easier way. And some will say, “Who said life was easy?” And then I’ll say, “Well, why does it have to be hard?” And they may say, “Because of sin.” And maybe that’s the truth, but it just seems like life could be a little softer to us every now and then. So, I am still searching for an answer, but I have partially come to the conclusion that maybe I don’t get an answer. Maybe God doesn’t want me to have an answer, because if I understand love, then I would understand God. And I don’t think we are supposed to understand Him. Because then he would not be a mystery. He would not be God. (Yes, I realize Rob Bell says something along those lines, but I guess I believe it)

I guess that just means that we have to trust him with everything. That seems generic, but it also seems to be the truth. All we can do is live this life that he has given us, and be lost in the wonder. We have to see his creation as something that he created to stir up our hearts and minds and souls. We have to take the beauty in this world and stare at it for hours and feel God’s presence. He wants to us to be astounded. We should be overwhelmed by his beauty. We should feel his peace. We should fear it but embrace it. We just need to be lost in it—in the stars, the mountains, the valleys, the chasms, the rocks, the sunsets, the sunrises, the oceans, the clouds, storms, rain, lakes, animals, wind, fire—and realize that he created all this because he loves us.

And maybe I should stop trying to understand that love, and just accept it for what it is, because despite the pain, it is good. Love is good. God is love. And God is good.

And maybe his plan all along was for me to grapple with this issue, because now that I have, I feel closer to him. And I know there is more to come. I know he will show me things. He will clear some things up for me. As long as I have my relationship with him, I am going to learn from him. He has spoken to me a few ways since my father died, about some of the reasons he died, and though I may not think those reasons are worth it right now, someday I know I will see the goodness in God’s plan. Someday, even if I don’t completely understand his love, I will see how it is not meant to hurt us.

As a side note, I realized all this and came to these conclusions with the help of God, his beautiful creations, the song “Dancin’ in the Moonlight,” and the book Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller (as I mentioned earlier….read it.)